How to be Invisible
Welcome to middle age! If you’re exhausted by street harassment, boob-chat, and Too Close encounters on the dance floor, rest easy, embrace maturity, and follow my four-step plan to come into your power!
Step one: Grow your hair long. This is the most crucial step, as well as the most time-consuming. Dedicate yourself to this process: take prenatal vitamins; persevere through awkward stages; invest in flattering hats, barrettes, and bobby pins. You know you are getting closer when older women compliment your new look, and younger women with short hair stop making meaningful eye contact.
Step two: Stop shopping in the Divided section at H&M. You may still shop at H&M, but limit yourself to the Modern Classic or, if your workplace recognizes casual Friday, L.O.G.G. By the time your hair grows out, you should have a fairly comprehensive collection of invisible clothing, including knit tops, pencil skirts, and crisp blouses. If you are a deeply whimsical person, avoid H&M altogether and shop exclusively at Ann Taylor LOFT.
Step three: Blow out your hair. Buy a round brush, spend more than twenty dollars on your dryer, watch a couple of YouTube videos and get it done. The further this is from your hair’s natural texture the more striking the effect will be. While at first you might find yourself getting slightly more notice from straight men, this will fade. Don’t worry, you will get older, they will stop seeing you.
Step four: Age. Abandon your sunglasses and squint into the light. Allow decades of struggle and disappointment to draw your shoulders in and around your neck as it becomes lined and mottled. Gesture to other cars at four-way stops to let them go first. You are in no hurry. No one will notice if you arrive late. No one can see you anymore.